Animal Behavior
by Kayka
Summary: Sesshoumaru is amused by their predicament. Kagome really doesn't want to talk about it. SessKag near-crack. Rated for subject matter, oddness, and a potty mouth. Now, a deliciously awkward two-shot! COMPLETE-As in it's done, and there will be no more.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I don't own jack. I'm not that creative. Well, actually, I like to think that I am. But that's neither here nor there. I still don't own anything, though. So, please don't sue me for my netbook. I mean, yes, it can run Skyrim, but I assure you that you don't want it. He's a cantankerous little fellow.

**A/N**: I don't know. I really don't know. I'm here innocently procrastinating, and my brain just _thinks things and starts writing them_ without my permission.

* * *

><p>"You have never considered-"<p>

"_No_."

He sniffed delicately. "You are not fertile."

It was difficult to discern whether her blush was due to utter embarrassment or feminine rage.

"Just because I'm not fertile_ now_ doesn't mean I won't be in a few days. Besides, semen can remain viable for up to a week in the female reproductive system. Maybe longer, with your freaky demon sperm," she rattled off textbook knowledge on the subject.

Ah. Rage _and_ embarrassment. He snorted. She glared.

It was a testament to how long the pair had been trapped that they were even speaking.

"I'm so not having this conversation with you."

Furthermore, it was a testament to the nature of their predicament that the conversation had taken such a turn. _Someone _must have thought it incredibly funny to trap the pair in a cursed cave.

"Indeed."

She huffed and rolled her eyes. He would wait. She was never one to remain quiet long.

"How can you be so calm about all of this?"

He cracked a citrine orb to regard her.

"It is only sex, Priestess. A perfectly natural occurrence. This Sesshoumaru can quite guarantee you that the act would not be abhorrent."

It suddenly occurred to her that the bastard was_ teasing_ her. Kagome's big mouth blurted out this observation.

"I must take offense to your insinuation. This Sesshoumaru assures you that his sire and dam were mated at the time of his conception and birth. The hanyou on the other hand-"

"Just stuff it Sesshoumaru! I really, really don't want to know about your parents' sex lives!" Kagome bellowed, ignoring the fact that it was likely the longest sentence she had ever heard the infuriating demon speak.

His lips quirked at the girl's impertinence.

"And that's the whole damn point!" She added, as if it had just realized, "You're a demon, and I'm a human. We're not mated or married. And just. Eurgh!"

"Your prowess at articulation is formidable, indeed."

Kagome could ignore the snarky remark. With a few deep breaths, she could even forgive his holier-than-thou attitude. That is, until, she caught sight of the most infuriating shit-eating grin she had ever seen, paradoxically gracing the visage of a certain, heretofore emotionless, demon lord. She lost it at that moment and, admittedly rather stupidly, launched herself at Sesshoumaru.

In less than a second she found herself flat on her back, straddled and restrained by the object of her infuriation. Sesshoumaru had thankfully, at some point, removed his armor; otherwise, their current position would have been incredibly uncomfortable for Kagome. The grin was diminished, but his face had lost none of its smugness. He imperiously cocked his head to the side.

"Would you care to explain, little Priestess, what you sought to accomplish by attacking this Sesshoumaru?"

Kagome shook her head and averted her eyes, in order to regain her composure. Simply looking at him was enough to set her off at this point. She began to twitch under his undivided attention.

"Ah. You have nothing to say to this Sesshoumaru? Perhaps were you to make amends for your outburst, this Sesshoumaru would release you to your own devices."

The whole third person thing was starting to grate on her, too. Kagome mumbled something in the vicinity of an apology.

"Hn. This Sesshoumaru did not quite catch that-"

"Yeah, well, this Kagome knows that you damn well did, you smug-ass demon!"

Deigning that he had tortured the girl enough for the moment, Sesshoumaru released her, but not without a nip to the ear in reprimand, first.

Kagome blanched.

"You asshole! You bit me!"

"This Sesshoumaru did no such thing."

"Then, what would you call it, dammit! Ugh, Is my ear _bleeding_?" Her voice became shrill.

Sesshoumaru was enjoying the game less with her recent adoption of pitch.

"Your skin remains unmarred. It was merely a reprimand, as one would use to admonish an ill-mannered pup, which you are, in fact, quite adept at impersonating. And language, Priestess. Time spent in the company of the Half-breed has clearly corrupted your manner of speech. Such behavior is unbecoming for one of your station."

The two remained in silence for a time. Sesshoumaru observed the girl surreptitiously; she seemed to be trying to work out a difficult equation in her mind.

"I know! I have a cup. Can't you just, _you know_ in there, and I can walk out by holding it, and then, without me in here, you'll be able to get out too!"

"This Sesshoumaru was here before you ever stumbled upon him. The barrier of the cave is also quite specific; therefore, such a ruse will not work. And even so, this Sesshoumaru would not debase himself thusly when a viable alternative is readily available."

Kagome's embarrassed fluster, which had lessened considerably over the course of the last few minutes, returned with a vengeance. She ultimately decided to pretend that those last few exchanged sentences never happened.

It was nearing twenty-four hours since their incarceration began. Kagome was naturally dirty, tired, and hungry. While she did have a few remaining protein bars, she was reluctant to use up her diminishing supply. She was also reluctant to utilize the hot spring in the back of the cave, which Sesshoumaru had pointed out to her some hours earlier.

Noting the direction of her attention, the demon lord attempted placation. "This Sesshoumaru will not molest you without first gaining your assent."

Kagome liked to believe that she was becoming inured to his weird, _really, really weird_, brand of flirting, but she totally did not trust the apparently pervy dog demon not to peek.

"The desire to cleanse oneself should not be discouraged due to foolish human ideals of modesty."

Kagome huffed. She was considering it, damn him. She glared at him from the corner of her eye.

"You'll peek, I know it!"

"This Sesshoumaru will not act injudiciously."

"What kind of assurance is that? That's just as good as you saying you'll think about it and then watch me anyway!"

"Hn. You are proving to be more astute than previously surmised. This Sesshoumaru will grant you a boon." Observing that he had garnered her undivided attention, he continued, "This Sesshoumaru will permit you to bathe unfettered if you agree to abandon your foolish notions and allow nature to take its due course in relation to our ultimate liberation from this location."

Kagome wasted no time mulling over his offer. It seemed, however, she was doomed to poor word choice.

"Fuck you!"

"Gladly." The smirking demon rose and began to stalk toward her, like a damned cat playing with a mouse.

"Agh! That's not what I meant, and you know it!"

Kagome was saved from deflecting any amorous overtures by the timely arrival of her foul-mouthed best friend.

"Oi, asshole! What're you doing to Kagome!"

"This does not concern you, Half-breed. You would do well to return from whence you came."

Inuyasha, irate at the notion of his half-brother existing within a detectable radius of himself or Kagome, would consider no such thing.

Realizing his intention, Kagome shot forward just as Inuyasha was raising Tessaiga to break down the barrier.

"No, wait, Inuyasha!"

It was too late. The half-demon stumbled forward. The barrier, however, remained intact.

Kagome immediately realized the implications of not one, but two demons trapped in the cave with her and the very specific manner to which they were meant to regain freedom.

"_Oh, balls_."

Both males turned their gaze to her at her odd turn of phrase. Up to this point, Kagome believed she had been handling herself quite well. She and Sesshoumaru had refrained from killing or maiming each other, and her defensive obscenity had only seemed to amuse him. But this turn of events was just too much for the poor frazzled girl to cope with.

"I'm just gonna-"

Sesshoumaru caught her before she managed to hit the ground and concuss herself. He eased her down gingerly.

"The fuck, Sesshoumaru? What's going on?"

Before Inuyasha could work himself into a full-on state of attack, Sesshoumaru wacked the boy with the blunt hilt of Bakusaiga. He gazed on dispassionately as Inuyasha collapsed into a heap. About _that_ concussion, he was unconcerned.

To mitigate the threat of the half-demon's imminent return and subsequent meddling in Sesshoumaru's affairs, the demon lord ensured that his Inuyasha projectile would be both unconscious for a long, albeit indeterminate, amount of time and many miles away.

After temporarily disposing of his half-brother, Sesshoumaru returned to the main chamber to scoop up his quarry. He could admit to himself that he eagerly awaited her reacquaintance with consciousness. While it had been unanticipated that she would be the one to answer his barrier's call, he was quite content to continue their game. He was also quite content to keep her.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Sigh. My friend kindly informed me that an ambiguous ending is incredibly unkind. I stand by my assertion that a little ambiguity is a wonderful way to exercise one's imagination. Fortunately for you, I yielded to peer pressure. Furthermore, I apologize for nothing.

* * *

><p>Kagome never understood how exactly she got herself into these situations. Not that this situation was the typical type in which she found herself.<p>

It was true that for the first minute or so, she had thought it was kind of hot. After five minutes, her intrigue gave way to twitchy discomfort. Ten minutes in, she was on the verge of panic.

For, as it so happened, Kagome was _stuck_ and turning a very unbecoming shade of red, to boot.

"So," Kagome started, tentatively trying to gain his attention, "about how long until, well you know, we can, um, separate?"

When she didn't get a reply, or even a 'hn,' she dared to peek up at his disgustingly serene face.

Sesshoumaru seemed to be completely unaffected by the fact that they were quite literally and _intimately_ joined at the hip- pelvis- whatever.

In fact, the asshole had the audacity to feign sleep. But he obviously wasn't asleep _down there_. He was just lucky that he smelled nice and was not that bad to look at. She was already contemplating purifying Little-Sesshoumaru to get free. Not to imply that he was little; if he were, she wouldn't have found herself stuck, now would she?

The only good thing was that Inuyasha had somehow, miraculously, gone by the time she reacquainted herself with consciousness. Kagome, naturally, asked Sesshoumaru about it, but he had misdirected her attention causing her to finally give into the temptation of taking a nice long soak in the cave's hot spring. Then, somehow, after a few more hours of futilely waiting for the barrier to disperse and release them, they had ended up _doing things_.

Kagome reconciled that it was kind of an amazing experience, and at least now, she would be free to leave the cave and its sick little sexy-time barrier behind. Well, once she got free from Little-Sesshoumaru, she could. But at this contemplative moment, Kagome twisted a bit in Sesshoumaru's hold, catching sight of the mouth of the cave. The barrier was _still there_.

It was at this point that the flustered priestess decided to take matters into her own hands. She began squirming, and tugging, and she stopped just short of grabbing Sesshoumaru by the hips and pushing to gain some leverage.

After a few moments, Sesshoumaru glanced down at her through his unfairly long, pretty lashes.

"Priestess, if you continue with your wanton undulations, we will remain here for a long time to come."

Said Priestess glared up at him, doing a fairly unimpressive imitation of a growl. He noted it to be ponderously adorable.

"I'm not _undulating_! I want _off_!"

The bastard smirked down at her, nipping her on the nose as her furious blush spread down to her chest.

"If such is the case, relax." And then, "Let it be known that this one is not opposed to a repeat performance, however."

Continuing to glare, Kagome ceased her struggles. The silence stretched uncomfortably, and she initially thought about filling it with words. But what was one supposed to talk about whilst still intimately acquainted with an acquaintance? _Hey, glad you got your arm back because that could have made that pose you pulled earlier a little tricky. Oh, and nice weather we're having; no rains of demon body parts for weeks_! She kept her mouth shut, and finally, after what seemed like hours, in reality mere minutes, they were no longer _stuck_, as she had termed it.

Kagome wasted no time in stalking away to dress in clothing from her pack. The clothes she had been wearing were ruined by none other than the Demon Lord of the West himself. A strike against him, as far as she was concerned. He might be ridiculously gorgeous, but no one came between her and her favorite bra. Her now favorite _ripped_ bra.

Meanwhile, Sesshoumaru merely stretched languorously, showing neither inclination for pursuing a similar course of action, nor any apparent insight to Kagome's savage train of thought involving Little-Sesshoumaru and reparations for her mistreated apparel.

Minutes later, he was pulled out of his doze by the irate female he had chosen to ensnare.

The fact that she had not started screaming at him to gain his attention was a mark of her growth, in his opinion. The feeble growls she was emitting were a terribly amusing bonus. He peered imperiously up at her in acknowledgement.

It was Kagome's opinion that should be illegal to appear so haughty while sprawled bare-assed naked on the floor of a cave. Quelling her ire enough to speak, she started with the obvious.

"The barrier is still there."

"Indeed."

"You said it would release once the occupants of the cave… copulated."

"Hn," he agreed amiably, allowing his eyes to slip closed once again.

"Then why in the hell are we still trapped? I should have never stumbled in here trying to save you!"

At this, Sesshoumaru's lips quirked in an approximation of an amused smirk.

Unable to find the humor in the situation, Kagome exploded in his general direction with an undignified shriek. In effort to preserve his delicate hearing, Sesshoumaru endeavored to placate the woman with the most rudimentary of explanations.

"Attempting to save this one was a foolish notion. You, Priestess, could not free this Sesshoumaru because this Sesshoumaru was never trapped."

His words hung in the air for a moment, and Sesshoumaru deigned to observe the girl's reaction to this tidbit.

She stared at him, jaw slack and eye twitching, for the better part of a minute. Seeing that her masterful impression of a hungry koi did not seem likely to change soon, Sesshoumaru took the opportunity to dress. Once finished, he returned and regarded the amazing-gaping-fish-girl.

"Until next time, Kagome."

"Next time?" She sputtered with fury, coming back to the present. "There isn't going to be a next time because I'm going to fry your ass, you deceptive, manipulative, underhanded dog!"

Undaunted by such sweet nothings, he smirkingly strode toward the girl and paused to stroke something at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. Confused, Kagome stared up at him for a moment before remembering that she was still pissed off at him. Before she could begin vociferously protesting the contact, he disappeared in a flash of blinding light.

Glancing around to make sure he had really left, Kagome began gathering her things.

At least the damnable barrier was gone.

It would not be until much later, once she made her way back to the group and her shoulder began to ache, that Kagome would discover a very curious marking.

* * *

><p>But really. There is no more. That's it. For reals this time. Shoo, shoo. <em>Go home<em>.


End file.
